


When I'm Gone

by sleeponrooftops



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-02-04
Updated: 2008-02-04
Packaged: 2017-10-31 07:59:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/341775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleeponrooftops/pseuds/sleeponrooftops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is Sirius’ life: happy, carefree, surrounded by friends.  This is Sirius; midlife crisis: shock, horror, death.  This is Sirius’ near-death: attempted murder, captivity, insanity.</p><p>
  <i>‘Don’t what?  Avenged James and Lily?  You murdered our best friends, Peter!’</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	When I'm Gone

I was outside the house on the hill, my blood boiling.  My two best friends were _dead_ and it was all because of that goddamned _Peter Pettigrew_.  He deserved to die.  He needed to die.

 

_We're doing it._

‘Sirius?’

 

Hagrid appeared at my side, Harry in his arms.

 

‘Sirius, what are you doing out here?’

 

‘Take my bike, Hagrid.’

 

‘What?’ he spluttered, looking shocked.

 

‘Take my bike,’ I repeated, teeth gritted, ‘I don’t need it.’

 

‘Fine with me.  Take care of yerself, Sirius.’

 

‘I’ll see you later, Hagrid.’

 

As he pulled onto my bike, Harry tucked in the sidecar, I drew up my shoulders, took a deep breath, and set off running.  It was absolutely, one-hundred percent necessary that that _rat_ died.  Tonight.  Painfully. _  
  
I look around me,  
But all I seem to see,  
Is people going nowhere,  
Expecting sympathy._

He had taken so much from me in such short a time.  He had forced me to believe Remus was the spy, when _he_ had been the spy all along.  He had betrayed my trust and the trust of my best friend’s to _Voldemort_ so he could gain a little spot in his _master’s_ high priority.  He had left them out to dry, left them to die, and left me to wallow in my misery.

 

But, first, before I even thought about misery and crying, I was going to twist that little terd’s neck until he screamed bloody mercy and begged me to end his life instead of torturing him.

 

I wasn’t alone, thankfully.  As I ran, sweat pouring down my back, front, and face, I saw her shining smile.

 

‘We’re here with you, Sirius,’ Lily cooed as she sprinted alongside me.  She was always a fast runner; she sometimes even beat me in races.

 

‘We’re always here for you, mate.  Don’t give up, Padfoot,’ James assured from my other side, smiling just as brilliantly.

 

Never again was he going to separate us.  But I’d make sure I broke every bone in his accursed body, spat on his remains, and claimed my cell in Azkaban.  I was going to hell.  I was sure of it, but I really didn’t care at this point. _  
  
It's like we're going through the motions,  
Of a scripted destiny.  
Tell me where's our inspiration,  
If life won’t wait,  
I guess it's up to me._

I knew he wasn’t at his ridiculous, dirty one-room cabin.  I had gone there first, even before apparating to Godric’s Hollow.  It was empty, looking as if he had just left moments ago.  He probably had.  And that’s why I tore the place apart.  I remembered it perfectly: tearing the cushions of his lame little sofa, ripping out the springs in his rickety bed, breaking the boards in half, tossing every breakable at every wall, tearing up all his books, ripping letters and notes into shreds, tossing furniture everywhere, and finally digging a message into the wall with a rock:

 

You will die.

 

He’d shit his pants if he ever saw it.  Then again, he’d probably just believe it was from his _master_.  There was no doubt in my mind that he’d done _something_ wrong at some point.  It was inevitable.  Peter _always_ screwed up, no matter what he was doing.  I remembered when we were busy with our final stages of becoming Animagus’ and he nearly killed himself.  It was great fun dragging him to the Hospital Wing and figuring out a story between the three of us as we went along.

 

The three of us.

 

What would Moony think of me now?  He’d probably scream in my face, reprimand me, and tie me down.  He wouldn’t let me go.  Ever.  Then again, he might be proud.  _If_ I don’t land myself in Azkaban.  _If_ I get away, he’ll be proud.

 

‘Don’t let him get to your head, Padfoot,’ James urged from beside me, clapping me on the back.

 

‘Never,’ I muttered, pushing myself harder.  I knew where he’d be tonight. _  
  
Woah!  
No, we're not gonna waste another moment in this town.  
Woah!  
And we won’t come back; the world is calling out.  
Woah!  
We'll leave the past in the past,  
Gonna find the future.  
If misery loves company,_

_Well, so long, you'll miss me when I'm gone._

I arrived in the bright sunlight, not even panting.  I was in the heart of London, hundreds of Muggles walking around aimlessly.  I wasn’t even in the wizarding world, for Christ’s sake!

 

‘PETER!’ I roared, storming forward.

 

Someone twitched ahead, violently, almost convulsively, and I quickly ran forward. _  
  
Procrastination, running circles in my head.  
While you sit there contemplating,  
You wound up left for dead (left for dead)  
Life is what happens while you're busy making your excuses.  
Another day, another casualty,  
But that won’t happen to me!_

‘You lying, cheating, conniving bastard!” I screamed, throwing my fist into the back of his head.

 

He gave a great girlish shriek and collapsed on the ground.  James cheered from behind me, pumping his fist in the air as Lily sniggered.  I gave her a look and she shrugged.

 

‘I don’t like him much, either.  He is the reason we’re dead, don’t forget.’

 

I had to nod in agreement.

 

‘P-P-Padfoot,’ Peter begged, holding his arms in front of his face.

 

‘Don’t you _dare_ call me that!’ I exploded, kicking him in the side before reaching down and lifting him by the collar.

 

‘I wish you could see your dingy little place.  You’d love it.  It’s torn to pieces with a nice little note.  I think you’d like what I’ve done to the place.’

 

I put a punch to his jaw that sent him flying.  People screamed, many phoned the police, but no one dared move to stop me. _  
  
Woah!  
No, we're not gonna waste another moment in this town.  
Woah!  
And we won’t come back; the world is calling out.  
Woah!  
We'll leave the past in the past,  
Gonna find the future.  
If misery loves company,  
Well, so long, you'll miss me when I'm gone._

‘Sirius!’ Peter shrieked as he scrambled up onto his feet, ‘Sirius, don’t!’

 

‘Don’t what?  Avenge James and Lily?  You _murdered_ our _best friends_ , Peter!’

 

‘I did not!  I did not lay one finger on them!’

 

‘YOU SOLD THEM TO _HIM_!  YOUR DARLING _MASTER_!  HOW DID HE REPAY YOU, PETER?  DID HE GIVE YOU A NICE REWARD?  WELL, I FREAKING HOPE SO COS YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO SEE IT AGAIN!’

 

‘Not in front of the Muggles, Sirius!  You’ll go to jail!’

 

‘I DON’T CARE!  I’D RATHER DIE THAN LIVE WITHOUT LILY AND JAMES!’ _  
  
Let's go!_

Peter shrunk further back as Muggle sirens started sounding.  I could only imagine everyone that was rushing to the scene.  I could already see the Muggles with their cameras, video and still image alike.  Reporters would be all over this.  I thought I even saw some filming away, talking hurriedly on their microphones.

 

‘What’s worse, _Peter_?’ I spat, drawing him up to my eye level, ‘Watching someone die?’

 

I paused for effect, ‘Or killing them?’

 

I threw him harshly against a brick building just as hundreds of Aurors appeared on the scene.  I was done for.  I was going to Azkaban.  Remus wasn’t going to be proud.  He’d cry.  He’d yell a lot.  And he’d never forgive himself.

 

‘I’ll see you in a bit,’ James assured, hugging me from behind.

 

‘Stay safe, Sirius.  We love you,’ Lily whispered, doing the same.  James nodded in agreement before they faded away into nothingness.

 

‘Personally, I think watching someone die is pretty awful.  However, the situation being you, I’ll make sure I enjoy every moment of it.’

 

‘You’ll never get to enjoy it,’ he hissed as his wand flew out. _  
  
Won’t look back,  
When I say goodbye.  
I'm gonna leave this a hole behind me,  
Gonna take what's mine tonight.  
Because every wasted day becomes a wasted chance.  
You're gonna wake up feeling sorry,  
Because life won’t wait,  
I guess it's up to you._

‘We’ve got you surrounded, Black!  Drop your wand and get down on the ground!  Now!’

 

That was Moody.  Lucky him, getting to arrest me.  He worked with me.  He was a great man, and probably knew why I was here, but I couldn’t spare him any feelings.  Peter _needed_ to die.  Right now.  In front of God and everyone.  And I wasn’t even sure I believe in God anymore.  Not after what he’d done to me.

 

I started laughing, maniacally, then.  Peter shot me a strange glance as I drew my wand, it trembling in my hand as I cackled harder and harder, the laughter shaking my limbs viciously.

 

‘You will die!  That’s what it said!  I _almost_ forget!’ I managed between bouts of laughter before sending a jet of green light Peter’s way.

 

He dogged it, and exploded everything around me.  I fell to my knees, laughing violently now, my stomach hurting from the experience.  I could see him, in rat form, glaring at me.  His finger was lying on the ground, his paw bleeding.

 

‘YOU!  WILL!  DIE!’ I screamed, throwing my head back.

 

My wand clattered to the ground.  There was no reason to try to escape now. _  
  
Woah!  
No, we're not gonna waste another moment in this town.  
Woah!  
And we won’t come back; the world is calling out.  
Woah!  
We'll leave the past in the past,  
Gonna find the future.  
If misery loves company,  
Well, so long, you'll miss me when I'm gone._

The tears came with the laughter, but were not caused by it.  They captured my photo with the sign in my hands of me laughing, but I knew a few people who actually _knew_ me would see the tears.  They’d know, as soon as the animation in the picture was over, my head would hang and I’d burst into heartbreaking sobs, screaming James and Lily’s name.  They knew how many times I would try to commit suicide in the next thirteen years, they knew how my soul would be devoured willingly by the Dementors, and they _certainly_ knew how tortured I would be for the rest of my life… _if_ I ever got out again.

 

But, hell, I didn’t care.  I was dead inside anyway…


End file.
